Chapter 8, Relapsing, Remitting, Reoccurring Pain

“I’m Tired I’m worn, My heart is heavy, From the work it takes,To keep on breathing I’ve made mistakes I’ve let my hope failMy soul feels crushed By the weight of this world.” 10th Avenue North

I think it is important (in order to be a good steward of this story) that I share with you the low times, too.  While my story is a miracle and there has been so much healing, there are days when it feels like it’s fresh and new. Something will happen that opens up the wounds that are so deep that only a little scar covers the pain; and the pain easily uprooted by anything. I think the hard part is I never know when the scar will open, I just know it hurts so bad when it does.

I have often said that I preferred the hits, punches, scratches and knock downs over the verbal abuse during and after my marriage.  It’s hard to hear those words and not let them brand into your heart. So, his latest attempts to get me, feels like a rip of old wounds and I find myself looking to old coping skills to deal with the pain.

It is frustrating to me that after so many years he can still cause such pain, but he can.  So, I guess that is the message I want my readers to hear is that there is no magic pill.  You have to keep on surrounding yourself with people who love you.  Domestic Violence hurts like none other. My prayer is as the years go by the wounds will heal from the inside out, but until then, I know this to be true:

I have a hope, I have a future I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me. My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begunI have a hope, I have this hope
God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope
I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer
I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness and He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God

My God is for me, He’s not against me
So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great works He’ll help me to complete
I have a hope, I have this hope

 

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2 thoughts on “Chapter 8, Relapsing, Remitting, Reoccurring Pain

  1. Although I can’t relate to these experiences, I can completely relate to the songs you picked to cling to for this particular post. I know it’s not a surprise… we’ve talked so much about how that Shane & Shane song has ministered to us, challenged our faith, made us think hard about our theology. I’m still listening to it all the time, sometimes over and over and over again in a day. Washing my mind with the promise that I’m making back to Him. “Yet I will praise You”. And that last part of one of my other FAVORITE songs… well, it’s a promise we are getting to see in your life. God is for you, He’s not against you, whom then shall you fear? He’s prepared for you great works He’ll help you to complete. Holding onto the hope alongside you.

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