Chapter 32: Taking Inventory


This blog will be uncharacteristically short, but it is one of those things I have to get off my head and onto paper.  This blog will not have the signature verbiage that many of you have so kindly described as “excellent writing”.  This blog, well this blog is to my people. You know who you are.  Whether you have walked this road with me for 8 years or 1 year, this is the time I say to you, two simple words.  Thank you.

I am not sure I remember a time where I felt more hope, more love or more purpose.  This time last year I was filling out more paperwork and going to court and a myriad of other issues that I seriously thought was going to be the knock out shot.  But yet, here we are. This post is written to those of you who love me.  Almost all of you have told me at one time or the other that some of the blogs are hard for you to read.  More than one of you has said “I wish I knew”.  This past year, writing through some of this stuff, you have made me feel like a rock star.  The compliments, while not deserved, sometimes have fueled me to keep writing.

It has not been easy.  Last year at this time I would have described myself as a “reluctant voice”–and now I am telling you I am stepping into the place where the Lord wants to use any part of my story–childhood, or adult traumas.  While I began writing as a rant, then it became about journaling then it became about helping people; and suddenly I realize that writing though this last year has been an amazing instrument of healing for me. You can hear it in my voice; you can see it in my eyes; you can see my signature smile, and you hear me laugh until I can’t breathe.  Well, at least that is what you would be observing if you were here with me.

For several months, there has been electricity in my soul, as I know that if I wasn’t chasing purpose; purpose was chasing me.  I am so honored to have been given some speaking opportunities; lots of email communication; lots of FB posts–all giving me the opportunity to stand in some gaps for people and love them as I have been loved so well.  I am absolutely speechless as I think about how loved and protected I am.  God is so, so good.  There really aren’t words for it, actually.

I just got back from a trip to see some long time friends, and it occurred to me on that trip, that I don’t need to wait until heaven to experience a little bit of it on this planet.  I do not know what is in store for me; but I know my life will not be defined by abuse or neglect.  It will be defined by a God Who never fails and a bunch of people He gave me who loved me through healing. So, for those of you who love me, this is my note to you saying I am doing so well.  I will always need to attend to a brain and soul scarred by PTSD, but these days I am having a blast learning new things; helping people; and did I mention being loved so incredibly well? I am stunned.

So, as I take inventory one year later, the healing is beyond my ability to understand.  Since I will continue to tell the story, you will read some other things that make you sad, but when that happens, come back here.  Hear me when I say how amazing I am doing with all of this.  We are at the point where it’s time to get my body to heal as well.  I am doing some pretty cool stuff to make that happen.  But my brain, my heart and my soul, while scarred, is in a continual state of healing; and from that comes restoration.

So, I leave you with this promise, and it is a promise and it is one that is happening even now. “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.” Joel 2:25

Continue with me, those of you who love me, and remember the promise above IS HAPPENING.  He is restoring, and will continue to do so.  You have a front row seat. Look closely, there are no dark circles, no port for heart medications–just straight up happiness.  And for that I am so grateful.

I will need you all over the next few months as I try to complete this portion of my story and get it published.  So, keep the prayers and encouragement coming and when you read the hard stuff, remember the the Lord IS RESTORING what the locust came to destroy. And as for you, “I thank God for every remembrance of you”.

Here is just a small glimpse at my last year, people, places and straight up joy.

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