“There’s got to be more, than going back and forth, from doing right to doing wrong, ‘Cause we were taught that’s who we are. Come on get in line right behind me, You along with everybody, thinking there’s worth in what you do. Then Like a hero who takes the stage when we’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late. Well let me introduce you to amazing Grace.” Flawless, MercyMe
Here we are. All the questions have been asked, and rarely answered. Many ask me why? Why would you put all of this out there for the whole world to see? Why can’t you just move on, some ask. Well let me introduce you to Grace.
“If your life were a Hollywood movie, most people would walk out before the end”. I remember the day Dr. Petit said that to me. Those were the days I was not taking care of myself. Drinking water was rare and eating was even more rare. By that time I had found my ability to cry, but my dehydrated body only yielded tears without salt but ones that still clouded my vision as I stared at him when he told me that. I think that was the first time I realized that maybe you need to know this story; these stories; this body of work, or perhaps the word is trauma; but more importantly the word I am looking to share with you is HEALING.
“No matter the bumps, no matter the bruises, no matter the scars, still the truth is the cross has made you flawless. No matter the hurt, or how deep the wound is, not matter the pain, still the truth is the cross has made you flawless.”
There were many years I would have thought that those who asked (or are asking) those questions were correct. Why, why would I unearth all of this, and does anybody care anyway? For the better part of 3 decades I lived on the precipice of life and death. I would ever never taken my life on purpose; too many people would have been hurt. But had you told me during any of those times that I was going to die; I would have been okay with that.
You see, I didn’t understand that the same God that I claimed to love and trust was the One that gave everything for me. The price He paid on the cross covered all of it. All of the abuse. All of the hurt. All of the unspeakable disgusting acts that were perpetrated on me at any given age; some of which I’ve yet to articulate to another human being. I had long claimed Paul’s verse in Phillippians as my life’s verse. In the first chapter, the 12th verse, Paul writes to the church “The things that have happened to me have really served to advance the gospel”
So, that is why I am doing this. I want that verse to be true about me; I want it to be true about my life; I want it to be true of what did happen to me; what didn’t happen to me; what I did have; what I didn’t have–but most importantly the healing that came out of nowhere and literally blindsided me.
You will notice that I use a lot of music in my writings. Perhaps this is not traditional, but there were so many times that music ministered to me more than church or the Bible. So, forgive the many musical references and for those of you who share my love for music, you are welcome. 🙂
So, to my critics, or just those who love me and don’t want me to bring more pain into my life, I will steal the words from this song to explain to you why the time is now to do this.
“There is a time to hold your tongue time to keep your head down, there is time but it’s not now. Sometimes you got to go uninvited, sometimes you got to speak when you don’t have the floor sometimes you got to move when everybody else says you should stay. You got to ask if you want an answer, sometimes you gotta stand apart from the crowd, long before your heart could run the risk, your were born for this.” Born For This, Mandisa
There will be difficult parts for you to read. I would like to warn any of you who have been a victim to abuse in any form to consider consulting with a professional before you read my story. While there is so much healing, some of what you read here can be triggering to you. For the rest of you, my hope is that you will come to know and love the Only One Who got me here; and all the people He used to do it. Some of you will be able to help others after reading my story. Some of you will be helped because you will recognize the emotions but more importantly, you will know that there is a way out; that there is a place where the “hurt and the Healer collide”
“Could it possibly be that we simply can’t believe that this unconditional kind of love would be enough to take a filthy wretch like this and wrap him up in righteousness?…..Let me introduce you to Grace, Grace, God’s Grace”
So, here we go:
In a letter to a judge Dr. Petit wrote these words:
“In my 30 years of practice, Amy’s (sic) PTSD has been the most severe requiring medication, talk therapy and state of the art post trauma reduction therapies. Her working through these multi-factorial traumatic abuses is nothing short of heroic. She has fought courageously and continually to achieve the levels of health and function that she enjoys today”
I am not sure about the heroic part of the courageous part; but I do want to start my story with his definition of me NOW versus 6 years ago, though he still maintains that people would walk out of a movie about my life. Here’s hoping that won’t be true about this book. It is a story of ridiculous healing, amazing redemption & journey back to life after abuse, neglect & abandonment–it’s God’s story, may He be glorified!